You wake up and don’t feel the need to tidy your bed Your room is unclean like the mess in your head And you’re standing in showers and staring at walls Feet stuck to the ground as you stutter and stall And you’re searching your soul for something not there A quiet sadness inside as you stand and you stare Something isn’t right but you can’t quite say When you’re living your life in this peculiar way.
And you walk down the street and stare at the faces Searching for others who aren’t quite at the races You look into their eyes as you stand in the rain Wondering if anyone else is feeling your pain You’re in a city of people but feel all alone With feelings of emptiness filling your bones But no one can see and you’re looking just fine Drifting through life and wasting your time.
And you enter your work and sit at your desk Reporting for duty just like the rest You shift in your seat and stare at a screen A feeling inside like you just want to scream You start dreaming of living life in a different way You start searching again for the words you can say But your mind is numb and your soul is sedated As you slowly become all that you hated.
And on the way home you do all your chores You workout at the gym and stop in the stores You search the shelves of that supermarket aisle Getting the same things you have for a while Then head on home to stare at another screen Sitting on that sofa still wanting to scream You reach for the bottle to forget about tomorrow Filling the hole and drowning your sorrow.
One day you decide something has to change You can’t keep feeling this sick and this strange Life is to be lived and it’s time to begin To claim back the beauty and spirit within You try to think of what can be done Of what it was that once made life fun But you can’t find the magic that once lingered inside And you’ve forgotten what it was that made you alive.
Then you’re back to the feeling of being sedated Back to the feeling of becoming all that you hated Where life is grey and you’ve lost all purpose Going through the motions of this lousy old circus So you retreat to your bed to stare at the ceiling Trying to make sense of all that you’re feeling That terrible feeling inside that cuts like a knife The sadness of the unlived, meaningless life.
“It would be fair to say that much of my life was a war. ‘Growing pains’ was perhaps putting it too mildly. I spent many years staggering through the battlefields of tempestuous experience. I grappled with my demons, crawled through the swamps of depression, and was shaken by anger and self-hatred. It took many years but one day a ceasefire was finally called. The bloodshed stopped as peace fell over me. Still in the moment, I felt myself let out a cathartic gasp of breath. A clarity filled my mind as I looked back at the past versions of myself. I saw myself teary-eyed at twenty-two, alone and heartbroken in foreign lands. I saw myself collapsing in a field at twenty-five and wanting the ground to swallow me whole. I saw myself consumed with despair and self-pity at the age of twenty-eight. I saw all these wounded versions of myself and wanted to let them know that they would eventually make it through and be okay. Time was going to do its thing and straighten everything out. It was even going to enrich and enlighten. For to stand here now and know that I still have this precious life force still beating within me – like a baby found among the rubble, or a flower growing on a bloody battlefield – tells me there is some divine, everlasting strength within my flesh and bones. And to now wake up each day and feel the light run through my veins and the smiles form on my face – it’s enough to allow me to finally see life for the beautiful thing it is. It is not something you marched or battled through, but rather something to be cherished and enjoyed. There is no great conflict anymore and I’m happy just being myself and living my life while knowing a victory as great as one could possibly know: the victory of myself.”
My bones like bare branches Shake and shiver in the wind That runs through my body
This internal winter is howling As the wolves encircle me As the frost forms upon my leaves As mountainous horizons surround me
It seems like spring isn’t coming Maybe it doesn’t happen anymore
To go on and endure Is now all that I can do Searching for some warmth in the wilderness To sustain this soul
Oh, what this life can do to a person To leave them wandering in a space Where the kindest eyes can’t see And loving words not reach.
I’m not dead But I’m stuck somewhere Where the moonlight doesn’t inspire me Where music doesn’t resonate And even this poetry Doesn’t do much anymore.
There is nothing to do but wait And look for signs of life Some sunlight coming forth From the clouds of discontent To burst the buds from my branches And thaw out my frozen spirit That sits waiting for the touch Of something it has almost Forgotten.
“You fell asleep in my arms last night and I allowed myself to dream. In my tired mind drifted ideas of a life of peace and comfort. Of love and reason. It was all there within touching distance. I have wandered long in the wilderness and my soul is full of strange things. I am not sure such things should be carried into your life. I have a mind full of madness and a heart ravaged by the thorns. I’m a wounded creature and I felt like some sort of stray animal in the warmth of your embrace, tasting those kisses that perhaps even heal me slightly from all I’ve known and faced. I think you too have known turbulence and trouble, but perhaps not on the same level. I do not know whether I am right for you, or anyone at this point, but there is undeniable beauty and a feeling of joy in that bed as dawn comes. The sunlight comes through the window as I watch you smiling with your eyes still closed. Your dog lays beside the bed looking at me. His eyes share a knowing look. What am I and he but two ragged beings taken in by the love of a woman, wrapped up in the covers of companionship, searching for some shelter from the unrelenting storm of this crazy life.”
“I can’t force it. And I won’t force it. If it takes me ten years to write my next book, then so be it. All the effort of trying has escaped me. I’m happy – happy to let the streams flow and the clouds drift and buds blossom at their own pace. I’ve reached a point of total contentment with the natural course of things. All the nagging voices of teachers and parents have long but left my mind. I never cared for jumping through their hoops and I’m happy to have found inner peace at a relatively young age. I’m happy to sit and meditate; to write a couple of poems a week; to run the same track along the river continuously. I understand that I may not be seen as ambitious, but that’s okay. I believe there is a rare joy in my heart that will never be experienced by those millionaires who sit in mansions counting their money. Oh, what a thing it is to realise you are the maker of your own happiness; that life is simple and not complicated at all. It’s certainly saved me a lot of trouble and toil. It may have even saved my life. And now this life has been saved, I intend to live it totally in line with my inner flow. Right now that inner flow tells me to stop writing these words. It tells me to look up from my laptop and outside my bedroom window. The sun is setting and its last rays of light are beaming through the trees. The birds sing their song as they hop from branch to branch. Excuse me, I’ve got something I need to see. Excuse me, I’ve got some happiness to feel.”
Here she is, finally Standing before me Something I only ever dreamt of In some deluded way During times of darkness And defeat.
A quiet humbleness comes over me Like standing before a natural force With a depth and beauty I just can’t understand.
I always felt about the age of thirty I’d stop my rampage And meet the woman Who would finally straighten me out.
Dylan called it ‘shelter from the storm’ And it certainly feels that way As the warmth of her Causes puddles of pain To form at my feet.
In the morning I lie with her in bed Her dog lays beside it His head rested on the carpet Eyes staring up at me With a knowing look of recognition.
I say goodbye, kiss her Walk out into the day And suddenly things are different The little things don’t matter Trivial troubles are nothing.
I smile and say hello to the people I pass I hold the shop door open for the person behind me Everything is okay; Life is not so bad after all.
I know that this feeling probably won’t last But for now, it’s enough To know that a single soul can shine so brightly Like sunlight coming through the forest canopy Breathing life into my world Blooming my flowers Turning me into a dreamer
And if this is just another delusion Then let me stay deluded For my world has never looked so good Now that I know She’s in it.
I wanna write from a place where no one else has been before I want to pour forth new truths that could have only come from me I don’t have time for words that don’t mean anything I’m not here to put down more scripted sentences
I’m here to speak my truth To scream and shout And share something in my soul That little bit of unique fire burning Only the way it can within me
It is fueled by all my pains and mistakes By all my victories and defeats And I want it to blaze bright Showing the light Of all my life has been