Category: thoughts

thoughts

~ Escaping the Grind ~

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pexels-photo-2403248

~ Escaping the Grind ~

“All I wanted to do was to live, but there were systems which prevented it from happening. It was the mechanical nature of modern life which forced you into a robotic state of existence. I could see it in the stuttering traffic jams, in the ticking clocks, in the computer loading screens. The repetitive nature of everything going round and round until you became some sort of machine yourself. Eventually your thoughts and your words became as predictable as clockwork itself. Your creativity and imagination was replaced with practicality and pragmaticality. After a while life became some sort of mindless march to an unsure goal. It was like we were all creating something, but the act of finally enjoying what it was we had created never came. It was the perpetual loading screen. The feeling of completeness which never arrived. The relentless push and slog through life to get to a place which was seemingly always out of reach. Consequently we lived in a world of people staring at the red lights waiting for life to finally begin; of people staring at screens trying to find a connection that would not come; of people missing the beauty of life because of the relentless obsession with the future. It was a strange state of existence and often my eyes would look to nature to remind myself of the true rhythm of life in the present moment. Those birds swooping and soaring; those leaves fluttering in the wind; those ripples gliding across the water. As human-beings, we had deviated so far from the natural rhythm of things. We were out of sync with the universe, which was no doubt the reason why we were so destructive toward it. The thought of it all caused a great rebellion to stir in my heart. More than anything I just wanted to escape the grind, to punch the clock – to smash the machine and emerge back to a way of life that was sane. A way of life that was peaceful. A way of life that understood life was a dance to be danced and not a battle to be won.”

thoughts

~ A Familiar Feeling ~

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~ A Familiar Feeling ~

“I had been back almost a year, living the normal life. At times I thought I had gotten rid of the itch; that my life might finally begin to settle down into some sort of steady routine. Maybe it was tiredness but a part of me even wanted that at times. But no matter what happened, it was always there in my heart, like a ghost that would never grant me peace. The desire for the open road. It called my name back into the unknown. It left me staring up at ceilings in the middle of the night. I knew it would never go away: that need to throw my things into a backpack and go get lost on a new journey. It was a feeling that left me looking out at the world around me: the comfort, the security, the familiarity. It was an easy life and a safe life. It was a life many people around the world would have killed for, but I just couldn’t be happy with it. No matter how much I tried to follow the script and settle in, at all times a great force possessed me to abandon it all for the thrill of adventure. Gradually I realised that there was no way around it. Some of us just can’t be permanently adjusted to systems and societies. We cannot fit into forms or fashions. We are wild at heart, explorative in spirit. We have those eyes that look to the horizon, those feet that itch for adventure, that heart that aches for freedom. And no matter where we go or what we do, there will always be a piece of us longing to go to a place where we do not know what will happen but the rising and setting of the sun. That wilderness is our home, and it is the home that will make us wanderers until the end of our days.”

thoughts

~ The Greatest Adventure of All ~

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born explorer

~ The Greatest Adventure of All ~

“I knew from a young age that I was a born explorer. I wanted to explore everything, but in this life the act of growing up is something that asks you to quell that state of being. You become static in one place, stuck in a routine. You sink into a sofa and close your curtains to the world. I didn’t see how it would be possible for me to adjust to it at all, at least without killing a large part of myself. At all times my heart was longing to run free into an open wilderness; to venture into the unknown and see something new and wonderful. I looked at the script of society and was confused with what was asked of me to fit in. Forty-eight weeks of work a year, jobs that didn’t allow gaps, pieces of paper that cemented you down to one spot. The adult game was a strange one and one that I was not afraid to say I was fearful of. Everything good in my life had come from doing the opposite of what their culture and conventions asked. I had found greater riches within myself than any of their advertised products could offer me. I knew that the existence expected of me would slowly kill whatever was real inside of me. So what was I to do? I thought of how I could make it work on both ends – to adjust myself in some way – but in truth there was always only one thing ever to do for a natural born explorer. It was to reject. To reject their systems and reject their styles. To follow your values. To be brave enough to turn your back on a way of life that does not offer you any fulfilment whatsoever. Yes, there will be prices to pay, but the thrill of living a life full of adventure and exploration will make it seem small in comparison. You may not be considered successful in a traditional sense, but you will have a wealth that so many people will never know: the wealth of waking up every day and knowing that you are living a life that is totally true to yourself. And in a world where so few have dared venture into such territory, perhaps that – in itself – is the greatest adventure of all.”

 

thoughts

~ An Emergency Within ~

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self isolation

~ An Emergency Within ~

“Again I returned to the world of normality and every time I came back, it seemed that the place had gotten more insane than before, or maybe I had – often it was hard to tell. It was true that I was a wreck compared to everyone else. Everyone strolled through life living sane and orderly lives, but meanwhile I could feel the madness scratching away at the inside of my skin. I could feel the world attacking me for who I was. I could hear the sirens screaming inside my skull; cries of horror in the dark alleyways of my mind. I knew deep down that something was wrong with me – something was very wrong with me and my life. I guess like everyone else, I felt like I had a right to belong somewhere in this world. Even if it was just for a short while, I felt like I should have had a taste of home – a taste of what it was like to stare into the eyes of someone who understood me for who I really was. But everywhere I went I was left confused and alienated by what I saw around me. The empty conversations. The mindless conventions. The strange mannequin faces. As time went on, the idea of belonging somewhere in my lifetime increasingly became a distant dream. Some people assured me that everyone had their place in society, but for me that place was seemingly in the solitary shadows, in the sewers and gutters – in the dark rooms of isolation where my heart screamed out for a connection that would just not come.

Sometimes when it all became too much, I looked at the phone and thought of calling for help, but realistically there was no one out there to call. The times I had opened up to others and tried to get close, I had been shrugged off and cast out. I understood that I guess. People had their own problems to deal with and they didn’t need a disaster like me to add to their baggage. Over time I came to realise that my fight was to be a solitary one and one that was probably going to last a lifetime. And yes I can’t lie: at times the idea of giving up becomes desirable, but ultimately something inside will not let myself be murdered by this world without a fight. Like others before me, I will keep searching for whatever strength I can find. Fighting my way through the shadows. Dragging my smouldered, blistered dreams through the flames. Breathing life back into my starving soul. Another scratched and scarred being searching for the daylight that will one day make all this darkness disappear.”

thoughts

~ Being Yourself ~

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~ Being Yourself ~

“I guess when it comes down to it, no one else is going to make you truly happy but yourself. When all is said and done at the end of the day, it’s you and that mirror reflection. It’s you and the solitude and silence. It’s you and that voice inside your head. And if you can’t be happy in those environments, then you are always going to be a slave of another person or system. We think of loneliness as being alone but often the greatest loneliness is felt by those dwelling in crowds to which they do not belong, who depend on others’ validation for their happiness – who speak words that they do not feel and follow paths which are not their own. These are the people who have wandered so far from the essence of themselves that they see only strangers in their reflection. These are the people whose true selves are locked away in forgotten places of spiritual isolation. Each year that neglect slowly tears away pieces of themselves. Learning to be happy on your own is what is necessary to keep your true self intact. Not dependent on the crowd, you will retain your individuality; not defined by the system, you will retain your unique shape. And from there blossoms the beauty of the individual. The strength of a person who is at home in their own inner world, rather than that which is constructed and dictated by others. Self-actualized, empowered – the one who looks into that mirror knowing that their life is their completely their own. The life of personal truth. The life of substance and authenticity. The life of someone who isn’t afraid to be totally and completely: 

themselves.”

man walking road

 

thoughts

~ Towards the Dream ~

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man walking night

“You’ve gotta hold on to them. Those dreams and desires that haunt your heart; that stir in the depths of your soul; that scratch and claw at the walls of your skull. It is easy – it is so very easy to listen to those voices of fear and doubt. To keel over under the weight of the system. To abandon your deepest desires for the sake of a comfortable and crowd-pleasing existence. It takes something a bit extra to abandon such notions and walk fearlessly in the direction of your truest life. And yes: the journey won’t be easy or straightforward. Doubt and discomfort will be felt. Isolation will be experienced. The reflection in the mirror will stare back with testing eyes. But the beauty of living a life totally true to yourself will give those eyes a unique shine – a shine that is hard to find in a world where so many let their inner flame die out without a fight. Don’t let that fate be your fate. Don’t let yourself become another wanderer in that wasteland of broken dreams. Be brave enough to follow your heart. Have the courage of a warrior; the mind of a dreamer; the spirit of a hunter. Have the guts of someone who chose not to settle for life, but who instead felt the glory of what it was like to run full-speed in the direction of their deepest dreams and desires.”

thoughts

~ Rolling The Dice ~

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the spirit of the wild
~ Rolling the Dice ~

“Life was relatively straightforward if you listened to your brain and followed sensibility and convention. But to be truly and totally yourself? To follow your heart through the wilderness? That’s where the real action was at. That was the gateway to the treasure. Yes, on the journey you were guaranteed isolation, doubt and a whole load of other things, but you were also guaranteed thrill, adventure and a deep inner fulfilment the likes of which could not be purchased in any store. In this life those that truly follow their heart are few and far between. Most will dilute themselves down in order to find an acceptable place in society; most will sacrifice their passions for convenience and trade their dreams for security. It takes something different to abandon such notions and follow the heart with reckless abandon towards one’s deepest desires. Perhaps it even takes a little bit of madness. After doing this for some years, I’ve come to realise that yes – it is a life of pain and discomfort. It’s a life of unpredictability and risk. You may not make it. You may end up going insane. Hell, you may even die alone in some roadside ditch. But giving it a shot is what has made my life an adventure to write home about. It has made me able to look into the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at me. In those eyes I see the wildfires of life; in those eyes I see the unbreakable spirit of the wild. In those eyes I see the look of someone who went out and experienced life, rather than let themselves walk safely to the grave without ever knowing what it was like to taste true freedom.”

thoughts

~ The Silent Submission ~

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~ The Silent Submission ~

“It’s a world of broken people with broken hearts. Of minds full of desperation and desolation. Of starving souls sitting behind desks and staring into space, dreaming of something distant and out of reach – something that can not be purchased in any store or downloaded onto any computer. It’s a world of people tightly gripping onto steering wheels as they try not to go insane on the morning commute. A world of people scrolling on their phones to try and connect with someone or something. A world of people drifting down the sidewalks of life, following someone else’s path and not their own. The absurdity pervades and I like so many others have stared up into those skies dreaming of something to take me away from all this madness. The human condition. The suffocation of society. The struggle to hang onto who you really are as this world strikes you from every angle. Few make it through the machine without being torn up beyond repair. Out there on those streets I stare at the passing faces and see eyes losing their light, hearts losing their fire, minds losing their madness. I see tired faces of sickness and sadness. I see mouths that move but do not speak. This thirst for life in my veins will not let me succumb to the same solemn fate. The wilderness in my heart roars out for some kind of glory. The glory of breaking free from it all. The glory of taking your mind back from the machine. The glory of making sure your life is one that is lived totally to the full, and not stutters slowly into a silent submission of the heart and mind and soul.”

people walking street

thoughts

~ A Hidden World ~

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~ A Hidden World ~

There is a world inside you that remains hidden. No matter how much they stare or try to understand you, no matter how many words leave your mouth, no matter how often your eyes meet their eyes – there is a place beneath the surface that they just never see. And even with all those drawings you sketch and words you write down, there isn’t enough ink in this world to truly show another the space in which you reside. That expression sometimes helps, but ultimately you know you’ll find yourself standing again before eyes that remain blind to your nature. Because there is a world inside you that remains hidden. And as the days drift by and you sit in the crowd listening to those foreign conversations, as you observe the human race like you are on safari – as you retreat again and again back into the depths of yourself because you know that they just wouldn’t understand – you learn to bare that private burden of isolation and separation. Being alone in the crowd becomes commonplace; biting your tongue becomes commonplace; staring longingly into skies above becomes commonplace. As those years go by, you learn to exist in the solitary spaces and sink deep into the ocean of your own inner being.

Make no mistake about it: it can be scary and isolating to feel like you’re a stranger amongst your own species. Not everyone has a way of being that can be so easily understood by others, and consequently there are certain people who choose to instead exist alone within the private world of themselves. If such is your fate then do not despair but learn instead to inhabit that world fully. Find inner peace and nurture that space within. Let the flowers grow in your heart; let the sun shine in your soul; let the doves fly in your mind. Raise the flag of joy within and rule that kingdom proudly. And if you ever meet someone who ever fully does understand, when they finally venture in and tread those first footsteps, they will see a world so beautiful that they will look at you in the crowd and smile, knowing that there is a heaven on earth hidden behind the eyes of an angel.

pexels-photo-170840

thoughts

~ Some Way ~

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~ Some Way ~

“At times I wonder how much longer I can linger inside this brain of mine. This burning room, untouched and unseen by those that have laid their eyes on me. I am hidden from view, a prisoner of sorts. Many times I have been overcome by the darkness. I have been down in the sewers with the rats and the madness, crawling on my hands and knees, searching for flickers of light and hope in the shadows. I have been beaten down, almost destroyed, somehow summoning the strength to stand up once more against the deluge of the storm. Yet through all these things, the smile remained on my face. The ‘fine thanks, you?’ came out of my mouth. Those people: they don’t see this secret prison of mine – and yes, for some of them, I don’t see theirs too. This is the absurdity of the human condition. So many of us are walking mysteries of sickness and sadness. So many of us inhabit private prisons that no one else will ever see or know. Out there on those streets I stare into passing eyes and wonder how many are also trying to not be consumed by the darkness. Getting up some days to face the world often takes enormous courage. These are the secret battles we fight again and again. These are the storms we endure in silence and solitude. And now as I sit at this keyboard and the sadness grips me one more time, I guess I’ll keep fighting on the only I know how to. What else, after all, is there to do but to keep on moving. To keep on surviving. Somehow. 

Some way.

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