poetry

~ Lost in Action ~

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~ Lost In Action ~

You wake up and don’t feel the need to tidy your bed
Your room is unclean like the mess in your head
And you’re standing in showers and staring at walls
Feet stuck to the ground as you stutter and stall
And you’re searching your soul for something not there
A quiet sadness inside as you stand and you stare
Something isn’t right but you can’t quite say
When you’re living your life in this peculiar way.

And you walk down the street and stare at the faces
Searching for others who aren’t quite at the races
You look into their eyes as you stand in the rain
Wondering if anyone else is feeling your pain
You’re in a city of people but feel all alone
With feelings of emptiness filling your bones
But no one can see and you’re looking just fine
Drifting through life and wasting your time.

And you enter your work and sit at your desk
Reporting for duty just like the rest
You shift in your seat and stare at a screen
A feeling inside like you just want to scream
You start dreaming of living life in a different way
You start searching again for the words you can say
But your mind is numb and your soul is sedated
As you slowly become all that you hated.

And on the way home you do all your chores
You workout at the gym and stop in the stores
You search the shelves of that supermarket aisle
Getting the same things you have for a while
Then head on home to stare at another screen
Sitting on that sofa still wanting to scream
You reach for the bottle to forget about tomorrow
Filling the hole and drowning your sorrow.

One day you decide something has to change
You can’t keep feeling this sick and this strange
Life is to be lived and it’s time to begin
To claim back the beauty and spirit within
You try to think of what can be done
Of what it was that once made life fun
But you can’t find the magic that once lingered inside
And you’ve forgotten what it was that made you alive.

Then you’re back to the feeling of being sedated
Back to the feeling of becoming all that you hated
Where life is grey and you’ve lost all purpose
Going through the motions of this lousy old circus
So you retreat to your bed to stare at the ceiling
Trying to make sense of all that you’re feeling
That terrible feeling inside that cuts like a knife
The sadness of the unlived, meaningless life.

poetry

~ My Ambition ~

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~ My Ambition ~

I don’t want to be revered
Or admired
Or respected
Or even accepted.

Any man who finds his happiness
In the opinions of others
Is no man to me.

I simply want to be happy with the person
That I see in the mirror.

I want to wake up every day
And live a life that is in tune
With the gentle voice
That I hear in my heart.

I want to write poetry
And walk in the woods
And for my words and actions
To be that of the higher energy
Which flows through everything.

I want to feel my mind as clear
As the air and the water
While feeling no distance
Between me and the stars.

I want to know what this life is
To be fully alive and awake
My eyes seeing what’s before me
Without any mental distortion.

There is no time to take notice
Of the noise of society
When nature is here
To tell me the truth.

That nature is my god
And my ambition
Is to live in alignment with it.

To be as pure as a sunset
As free-flowing as a river
As true as a lightning bolt
And just be ‘myself’

Whatever the hell

That really is.

thoughts

~ The Victory of Myself ~

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~ The Victory of Myself ~

“It would be fair to say that much of my life was a war. ‘Growing pains’ was perhaps putting it too mildly. I spent many years staggering through the battlefields of tempestuous experience. I grappled with my demons, crawled through the swamps of depression, and was shaken by anger and self-hatred. It took many years but one day a ceasefire was finally called. The bloodshed stopped as peace fell over me. Still in the moment, I felt myself let out a cathartic gasp of breath. A clarity filled my mind as I looked back at the past versions of myself. I saw myself teary-eyed at twenty-two, alone and heartbroken in foreign lands. I saw myself collapsing in a field at twenty-five and wanting the ground to swallow me whole. I saw myself consumed with despair and self-pity at the age of twenty-eight. I saw all these wounded versions of myself and wanted to let them know that they would eventually make it through and be okay. Time was going to do its thing and straighten everything out. It was even going to enrich and enlighten. For to stand here now and know that I still have this precious life force still beating within me – like a baby found among the rubble, or a flower growing on a bloody battlefield – tells me there is some divine, everlasting strength within my flesh and bones. And to now wake up each day and feel the light run through my veins and the smiles form on my face – it’s enough to allow me to finally see life for the beautiful thing it is. It is not something you marched or battled through, but rather something to be cherished and enjoyed. There is no great conflict anymore and I’m happy just being myself and living my life while knowing a victory as great as one could possibly know: the victory of myself.”

poetry

~ Thawing Out ~

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~ Thawing Out ~

My bones like bare branches
Shake and shiver in the wind
That runs through my body

This internal winter is howling
As the wolves encircle me
As the frost forms upon my leaves
As mountainous horizons surround me

It seems like spring isn’t coming
Maybe it doesn’t happen anymore

To go on and endure
Is now all that I can do
Searching for some warmth in the wilderness
To sustain this soul

Oh, what this life can do to a person
To leave them wandering in a space
Where the kindest eyes can’t see
And loving words not reach.

I’m not dead
But I’m stuck somewhere
Where the moonlight doesn’t inspire me
Where music doesn’t resonate
And even this poetry
Doesn’t do much anymore.

There is nothing to do but wait
And look for signs of life
Some sunlight coming forth
From the clouds of discontent
To burst the buds from my branches
And thaw out my frozen spirit
That sits waiting for the touch 
Of something it has almost
Forgotten.

thoughts

~ Ragged Beings ~

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~ Ragged Beings ~

“You fell asleep in my arms last night and I allowed myself to dream. In my tired mind drifted ideas of a life of peace and comfort. Of love and reason. It was all there within touching distance. I have wandered long in the wilderness and my soul is full of strange things. I am not sure such things should be carried into your life. I have a mind full of madness and a heart ravaged by the thorns. I’m a wounded creature and I felt like some sort of stray animal in the warmth of your embrace, tasting those kisses that perhaps even heal me slightly from all I’ve known and faced. I think you too have known turbulence and trouble, but perhaps not on the same level. I do not know whether I am right for you, or anyone at this point, but there is undeniable beauty and a feeling of joy in that bed as dawn comes. The sunlight comes through the window as I watch you smiling with your eyes still closed. Your dog lays beside the bed looking at me. His eyes share a knowing look. What am I and he but two ragged beings taken in by the love of a woman, wrapped up in the covers of companionship, searching for some shelter from the unrelenting storm of this crazy life.”

thoughts

~ Simple Joy ~

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~ Simple Joy ~

“I can’t force it. And I won’t force it. If it takes me ten years to write my next book, then so be it. All the effort of trying has escaped me. I’m happy – happy to let the streams flow and the clouds drift and buds blossom at their own pace. I’ve reached a point of total contentment with the natural course of things. All the nagging voices of teachers and parents have long but left my mind. I never cared for jumping through their hoops and I’m happy to have found inner peace at a relatively young age. I’m happy to sit and meditate; to write a couple of poems a week; to run the same track along the river continuously. I understand that I may not be seen as ambitious, but that’s okay. I believe there is a rare joy in my heart that will never be experienced by those millionaires who sit in mansions counting their money. Oh, what a thing it is to realise you are the maker of your own happiness; that life is simple and not complicated at all. It’s certainly saved me a lot of trouble and toil. It may have even saved my life. And now this life has been saved, I intend to live it totally in line with my inner flow. Right now that inner flow tells me to stop writing these words. It tells me to look up from my laptop and outside my bedroom window. The sun is setting and its last rays of light are beaming through the trees. The birds sing their song as they hop from branch to branch. Excuse me, I’ve got something I need to see. Excuse me, I’ve got some happiness to feel.”

poetry

~ Into Your Eyes ~

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~ Into Your Eyes ~

Into your eyes, I fall
Hurtling through space
Out there beyond the ether of my ordinary reality
There is no connection to ground control
No light to guide me back safely.

Into your eyes, I fall
Forgetting my name
My country, my language
Whatever the hell it is
I’m supposed to be.

Into your eyes, I fall
And become a drunken sailor
Out on some endless ocean
Where the waves leave me seasick
With the thought of ever losing you.

Into your eyes, I fall
And feel myself become someone
Who stares at the sky
And birds sat on branches
While feeling some kind of magic.

It’s a crazy thing
And the sensible thing to do
Would be to look away
And not keep getting lost
In this strange and surreal dream.

But the dream is just too good
So into your eyes, I fall
And imagine future days
With you by my side.

Into your eyes, I fall
And feel myself become apart
Of something larger than myself.

Into your eyes, I fall
And feel my walls
Come crashing down.

And into your eyes, I fall
To accept that I won’t be
The same person
Anymore.

poetry

~ Finally ~

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~ Finally ~

Here she is, finally
Standing before me
Something I only ever dreamt of
In some deluded way
During times of darkness
And defeat.

A quiet humbleness comes over me
Like standing before a natural force
With a depth and beauty
I just can’t understand.

I always felt about the age of thirty
I’d stop my rampage
And meet the woman
Who would finally straighten me out.

Dylan called it ‘shelter from the storm’
And it certainly feels that way
As the warmth of her 
Causes puddles of pain
To form at my feet.

In the morning I lie with her in bed
Her dog lays beside it
His head rested on the carpet 
Eyes staring up at me
With a knowing look of recognition.

I say goodbye, kiss her
Walk out into the day
And suddenly things are different
The little things don’t matter
Trivial troubles are nothing.

I smile and say hello to the people I pass
I hold the shop door open for the person behind me
Everything is okay;
Life is not so bad after all.

I know that this feeling probably won’t last
But for now, it’s enough
To know that a single soul can shine so brightly
Like sunlight coming through the forest canopy
Breathing life into my world
Blooming my flowers
Turning me into a dreamer

And if this is just another delusion
Then let me stay deluded
For my world has never looked so good
Now that I know
She’s in it.

poetry

~ Shackled ~

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~ Shackled ~

Like a seabird in oily water
Or a turtle stuck in plastic
I want to rise up from this mess
And break free from this muck
That the world has poured onto me

I know these wings can flap
I know my soul can sing
And that my spirit can soar
Into skies of light and life

But here I am:
Caught like the rest
Cemented down and
Starved of something essential

I have become like so many on these streets
Trapped in an unfulfilling life
Weighed down by something silent
No longer hunting what is mine
Or doing what comes natural

Now I sit in traffic jams
And stare at electronic screens
Now I collect my prey in plastic
Packaged for me on supermarket shelves

Now getting out of bed in the morning
Seems like a pointless task.
And my greatest endeavour
Is buying discounted food.

God, give me some wilderness once more
Give me the sunlight rising over the mountains
Give me the sound of rain on the forest canopy
Give me the eagle circling high above the canyon

Just give me something pure
And untamed
To awaken my soul
Loosen my shackles
And bring me back home
To myself.

poetry

~ This Burning Mess ~

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~ This Burning Mess ~

I wanna write from a place where no one else has been before
I want to pour forth new truths that could have only come from me
I don’t have time for words that don’t mean anything
I’m not here to put down more scripted sentences

I’m here to speak my truth
To scream and shout
And share something in my soul
That little bit of unique fire burning
Only the way it can within me

It is fueled by all my pains and mistakes
By all my victories and defeats
And I want it to blaze bright
Showing the light
Of all my life has been

This burning brilliant mess.